Thursday, July 08, 2010

we interrupt this thursday with a freak out

I am having one of those moments. You know the kind - they last for a few weeks, and mostly involve you feeling strung over, stretched thin, and panicky, as if the world is rolling on it's merry way and you've fallen so behind you'll never catch up. Usually when this happens, I can attribute it to something specific. Stress from being unhappy in my job. Not enough exercise of, equally disconcerting, too much. Poor diet. Conflict with a friend. Falling into a rut, resulting in feelings of worthlessness and failure, even if those feelings are completely unwarranted.

This time? The feeling stems from none of those things. Or maybe it's all of those things? I can't tell. I haven't had a spare minute to reflect on anything long enough to figure it out.

I guess it probably has a lot to do with starting a new job less than three weeks ago, and trying to find my place in a world (grants! research! fast paced office full of deadlines!) in which I am not entirely familiar. Getting used to the switch from librarian to Research Development Specialist has been challenging and exhausting and yes, enjoyable, but still - stress is stress, even if it's the good kind. I just feel like in the meantime, I'm falling behind on a lot of other things. I've been keeping up with my July Writing Challenge (mostly) but I feel like I'm rushing through the words to reach the 500 minimum. While something is infinitely better than nothing, it's not the deep, creative act of writing meaningful work that I envisioned for myself. I also have a lot of little projects, half finished, that are beginning to pile up, which is another source of disatisfaction. We bought paint for the bathroom weeks ago, and all I've done so far is remove the photos and postcards from the walls. I've been meaning to repot the Christmas cactus, and moved it outside for that exact purpose, and still it sits there, waiting for me. Not to mention that if I'm serious about reapplying to MFA programs this year, I need to start organizing myself now. Narrow down schools, figure out what I want to put in my writing sample, etc. ACK!

You know what I really want to do? Take a nap, preferably on a beach. Read a book by a campfire. Go on vacation to another country, or even just another town. I know that this will pass, that I will finish my projects and I'll find a way to be productive and have my downtime too. After all, we're camping in two weeks; I'm going to visit New York in three. I will read books then, I will write without being rushed. I will return, refreshed and ready to face the world with a gorgeous bathroom. These things will happen. In the meantime, I just need to take a deep breath and push through.

All together now: breathe...